The day before my 28th birthday a few months ago, I received a very unexpected gift: a letter that I'd written to myself on August 23, 2005. My vigil letter.
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The letter, which was meant to be delivered to me on my 25th birthday in 2010, was inexplicably rescheduled to arrive in 2007, and finally landed on my doorstep in November 2013. Once I read the letter I knew that fate had thrown this letter into the twilight zone for so many years because this was the year that I would really understand it.
Before I entertain you with the workings of my 19 year old brain, allow me to explain how I went about even writing a letter to myself.
When I was 15 I was selected to attend Camp Rising Sun. Camp Rising Sun is an 8-week full scholarship international leadership program in New York. Thirty different countries send one girl and one boy to represent their country, and around twenty U.S. states are permitted to send one representative as well. It was the honor of my life to be selected on behalf of the state of Colorado, and through this community I have come to love some of the brightest and most passionate minds in our world today.
Camp Rising Sun has been an incredible support for me as I teased out my international curiosities. It gave me a scholarship for college, and even helped fund my 2008 thesis work in South Sudan. But most importantly, it has provided limitless opportunities for me to find the best version of myself.
Hence, the vigil letter experience. During the final week of the camp, everyone goes out into the woods alone, builds a fire, and stays awake all night writing a letter to themselves. The program keeps it and mails it to them later when they've become adults. I got to do this twice, once as a camper, and once as a counselor. The second letter was my newest birthday gift.
Writing a letter to your future self is strange, but it cannot compare to the head trip that is reading a letter from yourself of the past. As I read through it, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. How difficult it was to hear the 19 year old version of myself pouring her deepest pains and fears onto the page, only to realize that after nine years I am still battling so many of those same demons. Had I made any progress? Had I matured into who I had hoped I'd be? Would the 19 year old Emily be proud of me today?
As I moved through page after page of young Emily complaining about boys and friends and boys and friends (young Emily was terribly verbose), I kept thinking, god I wished I'd made a bucket list for myself, I hope there's some list here for me to check off. And sure thing, the final page of the letter was a list. That's the convenient thing about writing to yourself, you know exactly how to please your reader.
The list (verbatim) looks something like this:
Top 11 Things I Want To Have Done Or Be Doing By Age 25 In No Particular Order (after all, that was when I thought I'd be receiving this letter)
1. Be with the person I intend on marrying
2. Speak at least one other language fluently
3. Have traveled to Asia or Africa or both
4. Have a plan for how I am going to repay my parents for everything they fund for me (college)
5. Have finished or be finishing graduate school
6. Be closer to my sister
7. Not exceed 135 pounds
8. Live for an unrestricted period of time in Colorado again. If my parents aren't there, then wherever my family is
9. Figure out how to be happy with being right here, right now
10. Have an English Sheepdog or that other big hairy black dog from the movie "Must Love Dogs". Such a cute dog, horrible movie though.
11. Be healthy, and have a lifestyle where I am always healthy
Like I said, reading a letter from yourself of the past is a head trip. For me, the overwhelming reaction to this list was shock. Without any memory of making it, I had successfully completed almost every goal that I set for myself as a 19 year old (not so sure about the marriage one yet, my parents don't really want to be repaid, and Bear definitely is not a big fluffy dog).
This list gave me a deep sense of confidence and peace. I've accomplished other huge goals - and on time too. Jeez, I've even accomplished goals that seemed too big to list.
I know now that I'm living a life that Emily at any age can be proud of. And that, my friends, is the beauty of the vigil letter.
