The Summer I Never Saw Coming

As the realization that I go back to work on Wednesday starts to set in, I've found myself dwelling quite a bit on what transpired this summer.  The past two months are a bit difficult for me to put into words, especially since I rarely get so honest on this blog.  I'm going to give it my best shot. 

Back at the beginning of summer I made a summer bucket list of things I wanted to have done before summer was finished.  The bucket list included:

- Go to Waterworld and/or Elitches

- Climb two 14,000 mountains

- Take a road trip

- Finish at least one book each month

- Go swimming in a lake 

- Build a fire

I found my bucket list this week and got kind of depressed.  My summer is nearly over and I have done ZERO of those things.  I haven't taken the time or effort to follow my self-determined ideal summer plans.  

But looking back on this summer, I have discovered more about myself than I have in years.  This was the summer of doing things that scare me.  On the literal level, I jumped out of a plane and hoped I didn't die.  I didn't.  I went into the ocean and attempted some new sports, all with a debilitating fear of sharks.  And again, I didn't die.  

Most of all, this was the summer of facing the fears that I carry around within me.  You know, the really scary things.  Randomly, I decided to reach out to an ex-boyfriend who had really hurt my heart, and realized that time truly heals all things.  I finally had a difficult conversation with an old friend, and felt the weight of years of misunderstandings lifted from my shoulders.  Without preparation or preamble, I just let the past go.  And it didn't kill me. 

And last week, I faced my biggest fear to date - saying goodbye to DC.  Somewhere deep down, I have always felt guilty for leaving DC after college for a life in Denver.  I've beat myself up for not dreaming of a high powered job in DC, like so many others.  All my life, I've been at the front of the pack in terms of academics and international experiences.  Somewhere deep deep deep down, I have never forgiven myself for leaving everything DC has to offer and pursuing a common life in a Western town.  I have started to see myself as less unique in the past few years as I settle down with a dog and 401k.  But something happened to me during my trip to DC last week.  I was surrounded with young, bright professionals who have dynamic jobs and travel opportunities - but all I really wanted was to go home.  I didn't feel an infectious energy like I had in the past.  The kind of energy that had always got under my skin and worked its way into my brain, reminding me that I don't have clearance for any important upcoming press conferences or legislative meetings or international aid program launches.  What's wrong with me? I mean, even my parents met as nonprofit workers in DC! But this time, something changed in me unexpectedly.  And as I sat on the metro, surrounded by young professionals - who I am sure were staring at my outfit and wondering how I could possibly convert that hemline from daytime to nighttime - I realized that while thriving in DC is a big dream for so many people, leaving DC was the right choice for me.  It's ok to love DC, but not belong there.  Where I live doesn't define my potential, and I can always get back to being the incredibly successful and unique person that I always thought I was before I left DC.  I might not work somewhere cool like USAID, but I know that professionally I'm needed and wanted and important every.single.day. - which is pretty damn awesome.  I know that I am an exceptional leader and I need to figure out exactly what that means in Denver.  I never expected to process this during my summer, but I have, and I survived. 

So, I haven't accomplished one single thing from my original summer bucket list.  However, I have accomplished EVERY SINGLE ONE of the things on this bucket list!

- Build a neighborhood community of dog lovers, which pretty much is the best thing ever

- Buy a new car

- Start Bear in agility classes

- Run a triathlon (next week)

- Ask out a guy I'd been eyeing

- Go skydiving

- Attempt to paddle board and surf

- See all the friends I love

- Bury the past

- Allow myself to not want to live in DC

It wasn't the original bucket list, but side-by-side the original bucket list looks pretty traditional and mundane.  That's probably why I didn't do any of those things.  Apparently, I was craving a scarier summer.  But I attacked the things that scared me most, and guess what - it didn't kill me.  In fact, I loved it.