I can still remember where I was on April 20, 1999 - the day that Columbine High School became international news. I remember the school bus ride home during which no one spoke. I remember how my mother met me at my bus stop and hugged me with an urgency that I hadn't seen before. I was 14 at the time. It was the only day of my student career when I was deeply, profoundly terrified to go to school.
I am scared all the time now.
On Friday there was another Colorado school shooting at Arapahoe High School. That is my mother's high school. I grew up practicing a cheer that my mother taught me from when she was a junior cheerleader there. A-R-A-P-A-H-O-E, A-R-A-P-A-H-O-E. I used to make up motions to go along with the cheer as cleaned my room. Now Arapahoe High School is making international news.
The shooter of the Arapahoe High School tragedy entered the high school and immediately asked for a specific teacher, Tracy Murphy. Reports show that Mr. Murphy had recently cut this young man from the speech and debate team, and now he had come to murder Mr. Murphy out of revenge.
On Friday, just before 1pm, my school was placed on an "orange plus" lock-down. This is the highest level of lock-down that I've ever experienced as a teacher or student. An orange lock-down means that there is a threat in the neighborhood, but a red level lock-down means that there is a threat loose inside the school. You can imagine my confusion to hear about an "orange plus" lock-down. What does that even mean? That's not on the chart.
So there I was, locked down in a tiny room with my 5th period class. According to lock-down procedures, no one was allowed in or out of the room - period. I looked at my kids, realizing that this was not a drill and I was responsible for these students. And I got really, really protective. For all I knew, the Arapahoe shooter could be heading over to Aurora next.
Like I said, I am scared all the time now.
You see, I have quite a bit in common with Tracy Murphy. I interact daily with students who are angry, frustrated and desperate. I teach primarily boys, and a few of them butt heads with my rules consistently. They yell and throw things and shout profanities at myself and other students. Not to mention that I just cut ten students from the Talent Show last week. I could have been Tracy Murphy; this could have been my school.
I'd like to say, no, never, not at Aurora West. Our kids are different. Our community is peaceful. Our security is tighter. But is it really? Can we ever truly know?
As soon as the lock-down began on Friday, my class immediately reacted. But the kids weren't scared or concerned. They were annoyed. "Miss, will this be over before my soccer game?" "Miss, I suddenly have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!" It was such a strange reality to witness: lock-downs and nearby school shootings don't shock kids anymore. This is completely common place to them. At one point another teacher [broke protocol] to come into my room to get something. When I heard a random key in the lock, I jumped out of my chair and my heart raced - until a student turned to me and said "Don't worry Miss. If it's the shooter, he will use a gun to get in. Shooters don't use keys."
I'm not sure what the main take-away from Friday's tragedy is. I can write you an essay on the importance of mental health services. I can write you a novel on the need for common sense gun control (because apparently, all you need to get a gun in Colorado is to be having a bad day). But today what I really needed to write about is how scared I was on Friday. A fear born at Columbine when I was a child, and that has grown through the Deer Creek Middle School tragedy in Littleton, CO. That was magnified by the Aurora theater shootings, just a few blocks from my school. That growing up and living in Colorado has made shootings part of my normal life.
I don't know everything about school security or mental health or gun control. I don't know everything about the loss of innocence: mine, and my students'.
But I do know that I can fit two students in my main closet. And another four under the large teacher desks. That leaves eight kids that I need to find hiding places for. Let's hope I have some time to look around before our next lock-down.
