You Haven't Lived Until...

July 18, 2011


...you spend 8 hours on an African bus. 


Katie and I decided we wanted to spend 3 nights in Lake Bunyonyi.  And we would have to take a bus 8 hours to the Rwanda border.  


Here is how it works:


Show up to the bus park when you are told.  Which was 9am.  Just kidding- funny joke on the mzungus!  The bus doesn't leave until every seat is full - which was actually 11:30am.  

Luckily, we had some entertainment.  Men boarded the bus repeatedly to sell us things like broken radios and vasoline.  Which was great because I was short on vasoline. I was so thankful when the man in front of me bought a radio and boisterously scanned the frequencies over the next 8 hours. 


My personal favorite is Suit Man.  He wanders around the bus park wearing all 7 suits that he is selling.  If someone is interested in one of his suits he has to undress 7 suit coats.  I love him.

(He is the one in all the black suits)

The cross-country Ugandan bus is traditionally built in the 1980s.  Leg room is not the bus' specialty:

There are no rules for what you can bring on the bus.  Such as this live chicken under my seat:

Uganda has an entire economy of people selling things on the side of the road.  When on an Ugandan bus, one must buy fruit and maize through the windows (because God knows that you CANNOT get off the bus).

There are lots of great things to see out the window.  Like this lovely international hotel you may recognize:

The ride was horrible.  Katie was forced to sit with her shoulder in the arm pit of a man standing in the aisle wearing a t-shirt with the picture of her ex-boyfriend on it.  I guess that is what happens when you date a pop star.

Finally - 

Folks, I have always known that I have a lot in common with Britney Spears. 

And getting off the bus in Kabale reminded of what it feels like to be mobbed by a lot of people.  Fights ensued over which taxi driver would get to drive the mzungus getting off the bus.  People grabbed us.  People screamed in our faces.  I had a panic attack.  I just wished I had an umbrella - Britney was a genius with that one.

I Had Dinner With the Prime Minister In My Dressing Gown

July 16, 2011

Frequently Asked Question 1: Why was the Prime Minister wearing your dressing gown?

Answer: Don't be dumb.

 

Frequently Asked Question 2: What is a dressing gown?

Answer: A dressing gown is what some people wear around the house before putting on their going-out outfit.  Similar to pajamas in many cultures. My dressing gown is an Old Navy maxi dress.  It was white when I bought it, it was a nice shade of off-brown by the time it made it to dinner.  See example below:

The evening started out boring enough.  Katie and I decided to go to Cayenne to sit outside and read.  We had no plans for the evening, and I wanted to be in bed early for once.  Cayenne is home to my favorite sign in the world:



I decided to not change clothes and I wore my dressing gown - I mean, I don't need to be attractively dressed to read outside. Apparently I do.

Our plans changed.  Katie is good friends with the son of the Prime Minister of Uganda.  We were kindly invited to join Katie's friend for dinner with his family at the mansion. 

Me: "Hold on, I am wearing a strapless dirty dress.  I can't go see the Prime Minister right now."
Katie: "Do you have a scarf to cover yourself? No? That is too bad."

So, we went to dinner as we were.

 PM's beautiful house



Their private chef fed us the most amazing Mongolian BBQ.  Definately the best meal I ate in UG.

And we played with the most adorable and intelligent children.  Katie may have tried to take one home.

I learned a lot about Hannah Montana.  Did you know that she is a super star but also an unknown teenager.  I know, that wig really tripped me up too.  I just wanted to tell this little angel that Miley Cyrus is actually a trainwreck and needs to go to rehab.  I guess I will save that until she is 9.

I also learned that snakes and alligators and hippos and sharks are very scary.  Very scary.  I added sharks to that list, obvi.  

Then the Prime Minister came home.

Me: "Hi! My name is Emily! What is yours?"

Katie (while giving formal traditional handshake): "Hello, Mr. Prime Minister.  It is a pleasure to join you this evening."

Me (in my head): Damn. Should have let her go first.

We enjoyed a delicious meal with the Prime Minister and his wonderful family in their home.  He told me that Uganda grows 13 types of bananas.  I told him that Uganda will never be able to grow peaches. Then I shared a banana with him while we discussed the American Wild West.  Good wine.  Good bananas.  Though slightly less good as a combo. 

Note: When traveling with friends who know important people - don't exit the house in your PJs.

The Night A 50 year Old Alabama Man Became My Best Friend

July 11, 2011

Avid followers of this blog are already familiar with Steve, a man we met our first night in Kampala at the Rock Garden Bar.  Luckily (?) for him he was able to escape prostitute-free that night.  So imagine my surprise running into him at the premiere Mzungu (white person) establishment the following Wednesday night!  Did I mention that the premiere Mzungu drinking establishment is named Bubbles O'Learys?  This is where all the big business men and international staff go to hang out on the weekend.  Did I mention it is named Bubbles O'Learys?

Being the friendly soul that I am, I invited Steve from Alabama to sit with us.  He entertained everyone with his tales of Alabama life.  Ok, he entertained almost no one with his tales of Alabama life, but we were being polite. 

Suddenly, like a gift from God, the band started to play YMCA.  Immediately the entire bar starting doing the YMCA dance!  Just kidding - NO ONE did the dance.  How un-American!  So Steve and I took the opportunity to showcase our YMCA skills. 

People stared.  People pointed.  I wish I knew how to hear that song and not do the motions.  I believe it is a serious medical condition. Thank God I am a teacher and have good health insurance.

Following this performance, Steve may or may not have become my wingman for meeting boys. 

We never saw Steve again, but his dancing and matchmaker skills are unparalelled at Bubbles O'Learys. As is the name Bubbles O'Learys.

Tanning: It's What All the Mzungus Do

July 11, 2011

If there is one thing that Africans do not understand, it is tanning.  The concept of deliberately sitting in the sun for hours in hopes of attracting a mate of equal shades of orange just doesn't really make a lot of sense to Ugandans.  So, Katie and I decided to take some of our Ugandan friends to the Sheraton pool to instruct them on the proper way to flirt with skin cancer.

They sat in the shade. 

I just don't know how they will ever find a mate.

VIP is for me!

July 10, 2011 PART DOS


Unfortunately we had to cut our time short at Rock Garden Bar, and so we cheersed one last Gorbie before heading out to meet some old old friends.

Now, I know that all of you are familiar with the work of Moses Radio and Weasel but I shall provide a quick reminder just for kicks.  Moses and Weasel are friends that we made in 2006 and some of my friends have been great about keeping in touch with them over the years, Katie in particular.  They have become two of the leading Ugandan popstars and are making very successful music careers for themselves.  Here is a quick video to show you what I'm talking about:



Every Monday Moses and Weasel are sponsored by a bar called High Table to meet and greet their fans.  So, we decided to join them at the VIP table.  It was a great evening for a reunion.

I ordered a vodka diet coke and this is what I got:

I know, the proportions were a little off...

In Uganda, you open a bottle using another bottle.  So, Katie and I made Moses teach us how to do it.

We failed miserably.

After some dancing, it was time to head home.  It was almost 4am afterall.  And yes, we did sleep for most of the next day.

Ahhhhhhhhh, Kampala.

Diet Coke + Vodka = Gorbie

July 10, 2011 PART UNO

Our first night in Kampala (the capital of Uganda) was truly indicative of what would be all our nights in Kampala: multiple stops, random run-ins, and lots of laughter.

We started at Rock Garden Bar.  Rock Bar is where gross white business men in town on business go to meet lovely Ugandan women friends for the evening.  And while, as Katie pointed out, we were the right race but wrong gender to meet any nice Ugandan prostitutes we did meet Steve and Mark. Steve is a middle aged development worker from Alabama and along with his British friend Mark was only in town to catch his flight home.  When I finally got Mark to stop talking about birds, he taught me one of the most important facts of my life:

My favorite drink in the world is a vodka-diet coke. Did you know that this drink has incredible historical signifance?

Coke = Classic America, Vodka = Classic Russia

This was the drink used to represent the fall of the Berlin Wall during the Cold War! Who knew??  I have named it The Gorbachev - or Gorbie for short. 

When Mark imparted this knowledge on me, I gave the only reply possible: Ich Bin Berliner.

DEN-->JFK-->ISTANBUL-->ENTEBBE

July 8th, 2011


We are off to Uganda!  Our connection through Istanbul was quick, although we did have enough time to praise the Lord that Popeye's has made it to the Ataturk airport.


The flight from Istanbul into Entebbe, Uganda left something to be desired...and it was leg room for my Amazon friend.

Luckily, the plane also provided random useless footrests and a tray table divided into two for the middle seat.  
 

Thank you Turkish Airways for making our arrival into Uganda that much more sweet.